Friday, November 18, 2011


Ah yes dear readers, today is the eve of the return of cyclocross to Columbia, and the entire town is positively buzzing with excitement.  If you are reading this blog from somewhere other than Missouri - you may not have understood the context of that hypertexted link.  It seems that the head football coach of the University Missouri was busted for driving his vehicle under the influence of alcohol this past week.  And all I can say to Coach Pinkel is this.  Dude - you should seriously think about taking up cyclocross.  Not only is operating your mode of transportation under the influence permissible, it's highly encouraged!  I believe the po-po finally pulled you over for lane violations - correct?  Shit - during a cross race, if you blast through the barrier tape, the fans will probably actually give you more beer!  It sounds like you've got 'cross in your blood, my friend (along with 6 or 7 Natty Lights).

At any rate - I thought that in celebration of tomorrow, we should have  special cyclocross-themed Friday mail.  So, from the hundreds of letters I've received this week, I've weeded out only the cylocross-related notes to post for you today.  Enjoy:

Dear PooBah,
Can you fill me in on the rules of heckling?  I want to come watch the COMO AWESOMO race tomorrow - but want to make sure I don't cross any boundaries with what I can say and do to the racers.  For example, is this allowable?
Thanks a bunch!  Looking forward to tomorrow - 
Pete G.

Great question.  I'm going to have to refer to a higher power on this one:  The St. Louis Biking Message Board where a recent post reviews the rules and etiquette of "hecklery."

1. No touching riders actively racing

2. No throwing, spitting, or discharging objects from a device at riders. Even if you know them.

3. Heckling insults should reply on wit rather than obscenity

4. Foul language is permitted as long as there are no children within an acceptable distance. Acceptable distance will be defined as the length of the biggest hill in the race since it is a well known fact that sound travels down hill.

5. Hand ups are permitted as long as a person’s body remains behind the course tape

6. Acceptable handups include: Beer in cans, paper money in denominations of $1 and higher, pizza or other awesome type of food like donuts, beer in plastic cups.

7. Unacceptable handups include: Beer in bottles, canadian paper money, slimy food like baloney, and weather inappropriate items such as Hot Chocolate on a hot day.

8. Spraying riders with beer or other liquid is acceptable only if the promoter has designated a portion of the course as a “spray zone.”

9. Heckling shall be confined to portions of the course a rider is most likely to wipe out and suffer further humiliation.

10. Acceptable Locations include run ups, steep inclines, difficult barriers, mud pits, sand pits, or high speed down hill turns.

11. A rider hopelessly out of contention and suffering shall be heckled excessively, and offered double beer, but no cash.

12. Costumed hecklers will be given priority placement along the course tape.

13. Excessively drunk obnoxious hecklers will leave the venue upon first request.

14. Heckling requires a minimum group of three persons. A group of less than three hecklers will be considered lame losers and risk being heckled by riders for their lamosity.

15. Priority heckling position will be given to those with voice or noise amplifying instruments such as air horns or electronically powered megaphones. 

So, whereas this looks like it would get a pass on Rules #8 regarding spraying, #12 regarding the wearing costumes and #14 regarding the group size of the hecklers, I think Rule #2 trumps them all with the "no spitting" clause.  So I'd have to say unacceptable, unfortunately.

Dear PooBah,
I'm thinking of dressing up for tomorrow's race, but need a little added incentive.  What will you give me if I race dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Looking forward to your reply,

I will pay you exactly $4.20 and send you this T-shirt in a women's size XS as pictured.

Dear PooBah,
How did COMO AWESOMO get its name?

Another good question.  Some think it was named after the South Park episode where Eric Cartman dresses up as a robot, the Awesom-o-2000....

But i have it on good authority that real reason behind the name is because there will be pilgrim-costumed human barriers that will need to be either traversed on foot or preferably by bunny hopping.

That's it for today, kids.  See everyone at the race tomorrow!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Cyclocross comes back to Columbia - with a death-defying pig colon!

Hey kids.  Cyclocross has finally returned to Columbia, where it should be.  Why should our COMO kids have to drive two hours in any direction to kick ass when we can do that right here in our own back yard?  Here's the scoop:
(click to enlargen)
This Saturday, November 19th in Phillips Park, it is on like Donkey Kong.  So now you are asking yourself, "Where in the shit is Phillips Park?"  Well, I'm a-gonna show you.
Take 63 South from I-70 to the Discovery Parkway exit and turn right.  The Park is on the right along the shore of the lovely Perry Phillips Lake.  In case Siri is guiding you, just tell her the official address is 5050 Bristol Lake Parkway.

Here's the course layout.

Take special note of that curly-Q section in the middle.  That is what is called a "Spiral of Death" for those in the CX biz.  Here's what one looks like in action...

Even I have to admit that watching a bunch of C-class racers navigate a Spiral of Death brings absolutely nothing death defying to mind. Instead - they all look like a bunch of slow moving turds making their way down the spiral colon of a pig only to be shat out upon a set of barriers and a run up.  (Yes, pigs have sprial-shaped colons....don't ask me how I know this.) 

I can say this because I am a C-class spiral turdville, here I come....let's hope I don't clog up the works.

At any rate, word on the street is that turnout for this Saturday's race is going to be big, with big names coming in from Jeff City, Hermann, St. Louis and Kansas City, and last but not least, all the heavy hitters from little old Columbia including 2010 Bubba CX champion Dan Miller, 2010 Missouri State CX Champion and current Bubba CX points leader Josh Johnson, 2011 Hermann CX champion John Schottler, as well as COMO elite racers Lawrence Simonson, Mike Best, Mike Bruzina and Pam Hinton to name but a few.  So even if you aren't coming to race - you aren't going to want to miss out on watching the throw down.

Oh yeah - and you've only got 48 more hours to check out the COMO AWESOMO page on facebook to talk some trash....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What did I miss???

Do you ever have those dreams where you are back in high school, and while on the morning schoolbus remember that you have a trigonometry mid-term, only to then realize that you haven't actually attended a single trig class all semester? And you think to yourself, "Holy shit - what have I been doing for the past month and a half?"  Professional sleep-ologists refer to this as an anxiety dream, and I have this particular one all the time.  However, in my own version I also arrive to my mid-term and realize I have no pants on.  Anyway, the past couple of weeks have been so busy at COMO CYCO headquarters that I arrived today and thought - "Holy shit - where have I been?"  Plus, I have no pants on. 

So it's time to play catch-up.  What did I miss?

Well the biggest news from the past couple of weeks has to be about Alberto Contador.  Congratulations are in order because he recently got married!  Unfortunately, immediately following the ceremony, he was partially blinded in the left eye by a thrown grain of rice, intended for good luck, but resulting in a deep corneal ulceration.

The crowds were scanned for who might have pelted rice directly at his eyes, and one familiar face was actually seen scurrying away on bicycle.
And in some cruel joke, those in attendance of the wedding who learned that the World Anti-Doping Agency has confirmed that it will not fund follow up studies to confirm the presence plasticizers in Contador's blood during the 2010 Tour, (suggesting he may have received a blood transfusion), decided to mock Bertie by wrapping his wedding car guessed it....a never-ending sheet of plastic.
It could have been worse, I suppose.  They could have slathered the car in steak sauce instead.

Sources close to the Contadors have reported that he was pretty nervous about his wedding night and sought some advice regarding how to "seal the deal" so to speak from a popular Spanish talk show specializing in sexual therapy.
Alberto was introduced to a puppet called "Mr. Happy" which proceeded to instruct him on the special art of marital consummation.

And apparently, Jens Voigt was pretty concerned that Alberto didn't really understand that the primary purpose of sexual intercourse is to procreate (he and his wife have a sixpack of kids) he sent this  story as a gentle reminder via his Twitter feed to Bertie and his new wife....

Congrats, Bertie!

Friday, November 4, 2011


You may be wondering where I've been all week.  I could lie and say I've been incredibly busy with work - but I don't want to insult your intelligence like that.  So I will be truthful.  This week I got the new iPhone 4S....which honestly meant absolutely nothing to first that is.  I simply needed a new phone out of necessity.  My old iPhone was rendered nearly unusable after the GEEC tried to dribble it on the garage floor a couple of times.  Funny things about iPhones - they are pretty amazing little gadgets, but they don't bounce well.  Anyway - after receiving the iPhone 4S, I learned that I can actually converse with a female-voiced internal computer named "Siri", as demonstrated in this advertisment:

Pretty amazing.  The iPhone's Siri can help me can seal the big deal while running, check traffic conditions and alert my significant other of my ETA, check the weather in the city to which I will be travelling and many more things.  However useful all of these requests seemed, I still thought of an application that could be of more benefit.  So as soon as I took Siri out of the box, I told her:

She replied,

Siri then went into map function and showed me the location and name of both stores which were both JC Penny's.  This is not exactly my first choice of pants store - but getting the locations and directions of Walmart was probably just too much to ask for.  And besides -  in desperate times, beggars cannot be choosers.

What impressed me most with Siri was that her voice was very calming and soothing.  And there was no criticism or judgement - just helpful information.  For example, when I informed her that I had just soiled myself, she could have responded with,

But alas, no.  She immediately went into help mode....what anyone of us would want in a moment of crisis.  Honestly, I think we could learn a lot from Siri.  At any rate - she and I have been conversing quite a bit lately - and yes, I may have become a little preoccupied with her - and thus have neglected you, dear reader.  So I apologize.

That said, a good friend just passed this article along to me which has made me a little concerned.

So, my new relationship with Siri could result in me "shooting blanks" so to speak.  This is what is called the risk-benefit trade off, and one that Siri and I will wrestle with..... but we'll do it together. 

At any rate - I need to mention a few cycling related things, since this is supposed to be a cycling blog, afterall.

First up is the Pro-Cycling Tweet 'O The Week provided this week by Tyler Hamilton's twitter feed in response to the news that Lance Armstrong flew into Boston to give a presentation at Harvard recently:

Let's hope they got a chance to catch up in the men's room.

And far more important than that - I'm happy to announce that Cyclocross is coming back to Columbia!  Mark your calendars now.  The first annual CoMo Awesomo CX race will be Saturday, November 19th in A. Perry Phillips Park.  I don't have all the details now, but will try to track those down for everyone and get them up here soon.    Until then - spread the word!

OK - and just a few letters...

Dear PooBah
How many French junior road cyclists can fit up the ass of the junior road world champion Pierre-Henri Lecuisinier?
Just curious -
Edwin K.

Edwin- that that the French juniors have won the world championship, their heads are just too big.
photo credit.

Dear PooBah,
What do you think David Millar is thinking in this photo?
Kevin H.
photo credit.
Several possibilites, really....take your pick:
a) "Wow, and I thought getting pricked by the EPO needle used to hurt!"
b) "Damn, why is he so angry?  I told him he could go first!"
c) "I can't figure out why this damned Breathe Right strip isn't working!"
d) "Gunther - did you bring the DZNutz like I asked you?"

Dear PooBah,
Do you have any idea why Frank Shleck was recently seen half-naked, sitting on a large pole swinging garbage bags at another half-naked dude?
Alex C.

photo credit.
Hmmmmm good question.  I'm not sure - but here's an equally perplexing one.  Why in the hell is he also pretending to be Angus Young from AC/DC?
photo credit.

Dear PooBah,
Chris Horner recently posted a picture of himself doing some new exercises that involve him balancing himself on a single giant ball.  This must be a really difficult and dangerous maneuver - eh?  Do you think this exercise could catch on with other pros in the peloton?
Jill S.

Well, despite the danger, attempting to squish a single-ball that has gotten a little big for its britches is certainly not new to cyclists in the pro-peloton....that's for sure. 

Dear PooBah,
Since the Brits won the world road championships, it seems like they've adopted a new superior attitude within the cycling world that has permeated throughout British culture.  For example, take a look at the cover of November's issue of Esquire that was released here in the US last week:
Now look at the cover of the November issue of Esquire that was released in the United Kingdom last week!

What's wrong with this???
Herman G.

Don't fret too much.  For starters, Ms. Lowe's saddle is too low.....I've studied the article in some detail and am also worried that she might have a bit of a drinking problem as well, as it appears that she isn't able to deliver water from her bottle into her mouth successfully at all. 

And her cycling shorts are REALLY shy on the chamois!  That's going to result in a little chafing, I think.
With all these faux-pas, I wouldn't worry too much about the so-called British cycling superiority...

That's all for today, kids.  Have a great weekend!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Happy Halloween Friday Mail!

Karma's a bitch.  Tuesday, I wrote a little post in which I teased the local all-women's cycling group which calls themselves the PCBC (which has something to do with feline restraint).  That night I rode over to Grindstone to do some "squatchy cross drills" which consist of me lumbering through the woods on bike and grunting and sweating a lot.  As I rounded one corner of a grassy lane, I caught a glimpse of something black moving really fast.....right at me.  By the time my brain registered that it was a black Labrador retriever going hell bent for leather after a Jack Russel terrier, it was too late.  The lab slammed herself into my front wheel which resulted in me doing a Half-Joey en-do and landing squarely on my head.  And somewhere, some PCBC women giggled....

Anyway - here's your last reminder about tomorrow's MONSTER BIKE BASH!
As ever, the good people at OffTrack events have put together an amazing event for us all tomorrow - and the weather is supposed to be spectacular.

In other news - I feel remiss in not sending out a congratulations to Mark Cavendish in the announcement that hs is going to be a father.  He and his significant other, 'Page 3' model Ms. Peta Todd, are expecting, as was announced this week.
Says the oft-topless Ms. Todd: "We planned it.  I'm four months gone which means it was conceived in July, during the Tour de France.  It's a Tour baby," she said.  "We haven't found out the sex yet but we will.  I think it's a boy because I've already had a boy, but Mark thinks it's a girl.  Athletes often conceive girls during the racing season as their testosterone levels are low."

Hold on a tick.  A "Tour baby"?  That makes it sounds like this is a regular thing, which I guess makes sense.  I mean - the Tour is three weeks long, afterall.....unless you are a sprinter - in which case the Tour is typically only a couple days long.  But hang on - Cavs actually finished the race this year (barely)....and he even won the green jersey signifying that he was the fastest (unfortunately for Peta).  It certainly is interesting about how most babies conceived during race season are girls due to cyclists' lower testosterone levels.  I guess if Peta gives birth to twin boys, we'll know he had a couple of T-patches on his scrote to help him get over the Alps.  But at least the twins will be well-fed!

And with that - on to a couple of letters!

Dear PooBah,
Have you heard of the Iceman Cometh Challenge bike race on November 5th in Michigan?  I'm sure you've seen who their new sponsor is - right?  Here's a hint!
Paul T.
Traverse City, MI

Hey Paul!  Yup - none other than Bell's Brewery....elixir of the Gods!  But I also hear the REAL "Iceman" is going to make a guest appearance.  He's already working on developing an all-natural method of insulating himself from the frigidly brutal cold temperatures that are anticipated.

Dear PooBah,
I'm really worried about my girlfriend.  She spends every moment she's not at work on her bicycle.  I hardly even ever see her!  The other night it was pouring rain outside, so I thought we'd finally be able to go out together - but she said she needed to spend the evening "working on her bikes."  The next day I snuck into her appartment and this is what I found!

What am I supposed to do now?
Meredith G.
Reston, VA

Calm down.  Everything is going to be OK.  At least you didn't have to walk in on her bike lounging in her bed completely naked - right?  Anyway - try to accept that you are not the only lady in your lover's life....embrace the fact.  Maybe even buy your significant other a T-shirt to celebrate it....I have a suggestion.

Dear PooBah,
How do you like my T-shirt???

Hey!  Your name isn't Jackie Chan, is it?

Dear PooBah,
I really liked your blog post about the PCBC group this past Tuesday, and I support them completely.  I hope all the ladies enjoy Halloween....and in case none of them have ideas for decent costumes - here are a couple they may find useful.
Richard F.

People!  Let it go already!  I mean it!

Dear PooBah,
As a woman, I find bib-shorts to be entirely uncomfortable to wear.  I really prefer riding in just regular shorts.  However, they never stay where I want them to and ride down too much - and I feel as though I have to constantly pull them up. But I have stumbled upon a little trick to help maintain the position of non-bib shorts while riding that I wanted to share with your readers.
I hope this will help the ladies out there!
Thanks so much -
Tricia G.

I dig they way you've color coordinated your suspenders and jorts to match the colors of your Peugot fixie.  And thanks so much for the tip.  I have a feeling it will help more guys than girls, somehow - but hey - you never know.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Local news: Control your p****, because it's about to get bumpy!

As a self-proclaimed bloggeur de bicycles here in COMO-land, I do my best to keep my finger on the pulse of the "bike scene" which is to say, I actually do absolutely no research, nor scout out any bike-related stories whatsoever, and typically just comment on whatever I happen upon, much like a blind squirrel finding the odd, random nut.  (Note to self - two great ideas for future band names in that last sentence: "Blind Squirrel" and "Random Nut".)  Therefore, it should surprise no one that I've dropped the ball BIG TIME on some recent and future cycling stories and events that I need to mention now.

First of all, this past weekend was the Berryman Trail Epic mountain bike endurance race in the proximity of Steelville, MO.  Its significance to COMO kids is that one of our very own (Jon Schottler) held the course record set in 2010.  That is, until this year, when Steve Tilford topped it, and then wrote about it as though it were as difficult as riding to the store to pick up a 4-pack of Bartles and James wine coolers.  Of course, when you are a cycling bottom feeder like me, and your mantra has become "not last, not lapped," every such feat seems Herculean.....That said, with all due respect (as well as fully disclosing my bias toward COMO's own), I would still suggest that a tad bit more credit was due to Mr. Schottler.

Secondly, the BubbaCross series continues and apparently was rough as a cob this past weekend at Fort Belle Fontain which had the St. Louis Cycling Forum buzzing with commentary in a dedicated thread entitled "Bumpy Bubba":

Posted Yesterday, 03:52 PM
All people who set up a cx race course should have to pre-ride the course or they don't get to set up the courses anymore. If they set up a mean course that breaks bikes rather than showcasing the true spirit of cx, they should be forced to ride the course sans chamois. IMHO

Posted Yesterday, 06:11 PM
This is easy. If you don't like the courses either come out and help design and set up a course or just don't race them! Take your crying ass out to KC or Chicago if Bubba courses are beneath you.

I didn't race this past weekend, so cannot comment on the conditions - but think I have to give it to the second individual here.  Despite being a complete CX newb - I'm pretty sure that the "true spirit" of cyclocross is racing until you either want to cry, puke or poop yourself.....or maybe all three at the same time.  If the course is smooth - then that will be achieved via exerted effort and if the course is rough, that will be accomplished via exerted effort and taint battering.  This little thing called free will allows you to go home without racing if you elect to not pursue the "true spirit".

Anyway - at the end of the day, COMO still prevailed as Dan Miller took another victory despite doing a "Half Joey".  (For those of you that don't know, this is going "Full Joey.")

Thus, a "Half Joey" would be if just the cyclist or the bicycle became airborne - but not both simultaneously.

Ok - now for some upcoming ride announcements.  This weekend, in addition to Bubba's #4 and #5 cyclocross races in St. Louis, you can get your spook on and do the Monster Bike Bash's ride to Rocheport on Saturday.  Or if you want less beer and frivolity and more taint-pain, you can do the Gravel Grumble 100 which starts at Tryathletics at 7:00 AM the same day.

And I don't know how I missed this one - but according to this story in the Columbia Missourian, there is an all-female bicycle group that rides every Tuesday night leaving from RagTag between 7:00 and 7:30 PM:

Perhaps, like me, you saw this disclaimer on the Missourian's page, below the video story:

"The bike club’s name contains a word we normally don’t print because it can be offensive. For more information you can go to the group’s Facebook page."

I have to admit that I was perplexed by this and started wondering what the acronym 'PCBC' actually stood for making it so offensive that the Missourian didn't want to publish it?  So, I did as instructed and followed the link to the group's Facebook page and was so enlightened.

There are several things I appreciate about what this group is accomplishing.  Firstly, a group like this can develop comraderie amongst female cyclists.

Take what rider Brigid Foley says, "PCBC is definitely about the one is there to meet dudes.  That's not the point...."

(Come on Brigid, we all know you got that handsome devil's phone number after the photo shoot!)

The lack of men apparently reduces the intimidation factor for new cyclists.  Again, says Ms. Foley, "They (men) set such a fast pace and kind of intimidate people that are new to riding."  There is no question that this is true.  Put two male newbs on bicycles, and they will have graduated to become racing Freds within 15 minutes, or crashed into one another trying.  That said, a group calling itself "Pussy Control Bike Club" with the motto "Our Ride, Our Rules" kind of scares the shit out of me, personally, and I've not even put on my skirt to try to ride with them (yet).

(Men are only allowed to tag along on the ride if they either wear a skirt or are bearded and come in the form of a tattoo - in which case they get to ride on the ladies' thighs!!!  I just tossed my razor in the garbage can.)

But seriously - why should I be intimidated to ride with PCBC?  I think I've always practiced good "pussy control".
I promise that Mr. Pants will either be on his leash or remain in his basket the entire ride.....

Friday, October 21, 2011

Friday Mail: The Bigfoot-Bieber Challenge

In keeping with the running dialogue we've been having with those readers who wish to remain nameless, this comment was left on Wednesday's post:

Anonymous said...
"If the Bieber ever showed up at a cross race with that bike he would beat Poobah and 3/4 of the other COMO Spandex wearers. "

Well that sounds like a challenge to me.  I'm willing to go on record saying right here and right now that I've got more cyclocross talent in my little finger than Justin Bieber has in his entire thumb.  And he has a big effing thumb!

As for my COMO compatriots...I will have you know that in last week's Bubba cyclocross races in St. Louis, COMO kids won the Elite Men's 1/2 races both days, secured 3 of the top 5 places on Saturday and now occupy 5 of the top 10 places in the overall points competition.  (Check it here).  A financial comparison reveals that the combined monetary winnings of all these achievements is comparable to what Bieber earns in approximately 0.03 seconds while on tour.  So suck on that, Anonymous!

And speaking of Bubbacross, throwdown #3 is this Sunday in Fort Belle Fontaine park.  If you are closer to KC, then the Shawnee Rescue Radcross is happening Sunday.

On to some other mail!

Dear PooBah,
It looks like there was a sighting of Sasquatch at Bubba Cross!

My initial response to this was "Crap! - I already have enough competition as it is! I don't need to duke it out with yet another Sasquatch - because if he kicks my ass - then not only will I be the worst Cat 4 racer out there, but I'll be the worst Squatchy Cat 4."  However, upon closer inspection, I've determined that #1) this photo wasn't taken at Bubbacross - which means you pilfered this pic from the Interwebs and that's going to piss off one of my Anonymous readers (well done) and #2) this isn't a Squatch at all!  If you look closely - you will see a tiny blonde-headed woman clinging to the back of this simian signifying to me that this is actually King Kong.  Therefore, I still contend that I'm the fastest Squatch on a bicycle.....that is until Bieber's big-ass hairy thumb wants to challenge me.  Thanks for the photo anyway.

Dear PooBah,
Have you seen this sweet deal that RadioShack is offering?  I wonder what the ramifications will be for Bruyneel's new "RadioShack-Trek-Leopard Presented by Nissan Thereby Snubbing Mercedes" team?
Samuel G.

Wow - whereas this would certainly be a popular incentive here in the states, no telling how the Luxembourgians are going to take to it.  I decided to get in touch with Bruyneel to see what his opinion was on this matter and this is the reply I got.

Dear PooBah,
During my last gravel ride, I happened upon an individual lying in the weeds along the side of the road.  I really didn't know how to handle this situation, so photographed it to get your advice.
Should I have,
A) Checked this gentlemen for a pulse?
B) Tried to rouse this fellow and set him on his way?
C) Called 911 immediately?
D) Gone to the nearest house to inquire if they knew the cyclist's identity?

Thank you!
Randy F.

Wow - the dude certainly is giving the stitching on his vintage wool Brooks L'Eroica jersey a workout -eh?  He's clearly OK by the way he's using his meaty right bicep as a pillow and has his vintage bidon nearby.  Therefore, I think you overlooked the best option which I would refer to as 'option E'.  First, hide his bicycle behind a nearby shrubbery.  Second, empty the entire contents of two Gu gels into his left hand.  Third, get back on your bike and ride by him slowly, exclaiming as loudly as possible, "Dude - there's a fucking scorpion on your face!"  Forth, accelerate.

Dear PooBah,
Of all the new additions team BMC has made to their roster, who do you think will prove to be the most valuable next year?
Lisa P.

Great question - but a no brainer as far as I'm concerned.  It has to be M.C. Gruntsworth.  Originally from China, he's small and agile, will ride for practically nothing, and can't talk back if he starts getting unhappy.  However, he's been known to destroy hotel rooms if left alone, enjoys licking his genitals and may need to use some breathe-right strips in some of the more mountainous stages.

Dear PooBah,
I'm a bicycle pizza delivery guy and my job depends on me delivering pies to my customers quickly or else they get the pizza for free, and it is taken out of my paycheck.  The problem is, I feel so sluggish on the bicycle. What's the quickest and easiest way to get faster.  Please help!!!
Thank you!
Wally T.

I'm sure you have seen time trialing stages of bicycle races before.  The cyclists ride specially designed bicycles and wear specific kits all meant to accenuate their aerodynamics in hopes of making them as fast as possible!  I suggest you utilize the same technology.  However, I've been working on some modifications I think you should try.  Please find enclosed a diagram showing how I think the use of a time trial helmet will help you out.
The blue line represents how the helmet deflects the gaze of other cyclists as they look at you funny....their glances just flow right over your head.  And remember - keep your chin on that pizza box to lock it in place!

Dear PooBah,
I know absolutely nothing about bicycles, nor really care, but I'm writing to you because you seem a little pervy - so I'm hoping you might help me out with this one.  I was helping to clean out my parents' attic the other day and stumbled upon a cardboard box full of girly magazines.  I cannot believe it, but I think my dad might have actually had a porn stash back in the day!  I'm not sure if I should confront him with this stuff to determine if he still wants it - or just throw it away.  Any advice?
Thanks in advance -
Michael K.
P.S. Hope I didn't offend you with the "pervy" comment....

No offense taken.  I'm quite sure your Dad will not want these magazines anymore if they were crammed into a box in the attic.  I'm actually going to the recycling center soon - and if you want to send them to me, I will take care of them for you.  I promise.  I will recycle them immediately.  Just send them to me.  Please.

Have a great weekend everyone!